Pull me through the darkness. I am numb to feeling anything: happy, sad, joy, anger, grief.
Numb to feeling. Joy has escaped me–it’s left my body, taken a midnight bus to anywhere but here and taken the fine china of life with it.
Why am I feeling so numb and empty?
Help me feel again.
A few months ago, I dropped to my knees and asked for a sign–something to show me the way. In return, I received more darkness, depression and doubt. Lord, I am aware of your works and they are Your own way, but God…c’mon…I do not want this heavy, lead blanket of depression on me much longer.
It is hard to hear my heart speak when this is with me. It makes me doubt.
Please help me see the light through all of this. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel for you God, since all my feeling has been zapped. Like a giant sitting on my chest, the weight of nothingness suffocates every moment of my life.
David in Psalms shows anger towards you. Is it okay for me to do the same? God, are we even on the same frequency?
I. Don’t. Know.
Right now, I doubt everything. I surrender to the unknown.
I wonder why I’ve received this visit from “the black dog,” as Churchill so eloquently called it. Why has my spirit and vitality and joy all have been taken, removed and stripped like a cosmic Gestapo raiding my soul, throwing me into a prison of darkness. Taken away the basic rights of feeling.
On the outside, I can think of those worse than me: Syria, prisoners, the Holocaust, famine, Buffalo Bills fans and other tragedies of the world while I sit in a comfy chair in a comfy coffee shop in a beautiful city, all the while feeling nothing–for now.
God, I am sure I am in this for a reason. At least, I hope so because, otherwise, it is a cold, dark trick and unfair to those around me. Unfair to those I come in contact, unfair to me–one of your own. I cannot fully do your will because I am not allowed to see the light ahead of this darkness. Honestly, I don’t even know what “your will” even means anymore.
With the thinly tattered veil of faith that’s left, pull me from this well of darkness. Allow my light from within to shine out. Give me the strength and courage to live my fullest life. Show me how you want me to be the best version of myself, because this isn’t it.
I need your help.
Push me past the darkness, past the numb so that I can feel again. I need a sign that this is working–that you are in my life. That what I’m doing on this unlit path is worthwhile.
It is through this, my ego raises its white flag and surrenders to you. I give it all to you–the doubt, fear, anxiety, depression, darkness, anger, sadness. For these are the things I feel and now, given to you, I feel nothing. So I sit, in awareness, and pray that you will shine your light onto me and give me clarity, vision, renewed faith and hope, love and joy.
In the darkness, I wait for the light.
