Surrender to the void. 

I don’t exactly know how to do this. It’s coming from somewhere deep within to surrender to the void and my day-to-day mind (my ego) is trying to put steps and order and logic into this force. This force doesn’t want to be bothered with steps and logic.  It’s on a different level, it’s well intentioned and meaningful, but won’t help at this time.  

I don’t even know if I can put steps to it.  In my first Surrender post, I talk about surrender to NOT having a plan or a next step or knowing what the future holds.  If the “it” that’s calling me to surrender is writing, then I’ll just keep writing and not try to figure it out.

(By the way, I hate using the word ‘it’ so much.  I just don’t know what else to call…it.)

Maybe I don’t force anything…and instantly one of the gremlins in my mind says, “Sure, go ahead and keep filling up those journals” with a blistering hint of sarcasm. Then my mind spins to a million different thoughts and I get the feeling that I’m wasting my life just filling pages of journal entries.

It’s the feeling that I’m wasting my life because I’m not doing something meaningful with my writing.  I would bring me deep joy to help people through writing.  

Who knows…maybe some guy is going through a similar struggle and thinks they’re the only man that struggles with a daily surrender.  So they stumble upon my words, read it and think, “Hey, this guy seems like alright and he’s going through some shit. Let me read what he has to say.”  And it helps in some way.  That would be nice.  So I write a blog.

Are Blogs Even a Thing Anymore?

Are blogs the Mambo No. 5 of the internet?  

I don’t f***ing know.  And that, to the best of my knowledge, is where surrender comes in.  

Remember those old black and white war movies where the troops are getting defeated and they raise the white flag? Those troops surrendered to the unknown. Now, granted, I’m not fighting troops across a battlefield, but there is a war being waged inside.  In my head, I’m thinking the good guys surrender to the bad guys. I don’t know why I have the bad guys winning.  Who wants the bad guys to win?  It’s a battle between the mind and the heart.  The little voice within vs the conscious self–the surrender to the void.

(It’s worth an exploration of who do I consider bad guys in this case?  And who are the good guys?)

My guess, without being on a shrink’s couch:

GOOD GUY = EGO

BAD GUY = SHADOW

Surrender to the void isn’t about someone winning or losing.  It’s letting go of the doubts, fears and anxieties that pop up relating to the next step of what I’m supposed to do with my life.

Micro example, “What am I supposed to do with my writing?”  

Macro example, “What am I supposed to do with my life and career?”  

Does surrender to the void mean not giving two f***s about what I’m doing now?  Should I care even less about getting new landscape clients?  Should I dive deeper into writing and make that a priority?

I. Don’t. Know.

That type of surrender feels like I’m giving up on responsibility because I link making money to my occupation of landscape design. Then that gurgles up the whole security-and-provide-for-my-family song & dance along with all of the things that are attached to work, career, playing it safe…blah blah blah.

“Tomorrow Never Knows”

Turn off your mind relax and float down stream
It is not dying, it is not dying

Lay down all thoughts, surrender to the void,
It is shining, it is shining.

Yet you may see the meaning of within
It is being, it is being

Love is all and love is everyone
It is knowing, it is knowing

And ignorance and hate mourn the dead
It is believing, it is believing

But listen to the colour of your dreams
It is not leaving, it is not leaving

So play the game “Existence” to the end
Of the beginning, of the beginning

Surrender.